A lot of things are going on in my mind right now,
1- The big canvas that I just ruined.
2- My dreams.
3- And my own voice that has been living inside my head for a long now, trying to gracefully manage it all. But I guess, it is okay to speak about it all.
I just came across a video on Facebook this morning, and the information I learned through that video hit me deep.
Effects of Depression & Anxiety
1- Depression makes one so tired 24/7. Anxiety keeps you awake 24/7.
2- Depression makes you have no motivation. Anxiety makes you feel terrible for not doing anything.
3- Depression pulls you one way, anxiety pulls you another.
4- Anxiety keeps you from having good relationships. Depression makes you not care.
5- You have constant arguments with yourself..
You see, ‘Depression & Anxiety’ are so subtle sometimes, that you don’t really realize they have been a part of you until you understand the signs or watch a video on it. In fact, even if you do realize, you try to shrug it off in order to live in denial, for the sake of appearing composed and calm. Does this make any sense? For me, not being able to paint this morning was an alarming sign. Art enters people’s heart through sadness. My case is totally opposite. Happiness and love around me makes me and my ability to paint radiate.The amazing thing of all is, so many of us are going through it on daily basis. So many of us, yet we keep it all inside. That is really brave. Yet, I need to tell myself first and foremost, and then anyone else, that it is also very fearful and not a healthy way to live.
Where does that lead us? I searched online how to cope with it all. And the best and most practical advise was, “talk about it with someone you want to share it with, talk, talk and talk.” And that’s the main problem. We are not encouraged in our society to talk about our problems in an open way. We are not given a space apart from “online” world, to have a conversation with someone face to face about it and just don’t let it eat you.
My conversation with someone in the morning came to my mind. I realized I wanted to talk about something, and the person wanted me to further suppress my already suppressed ‘depression & anxiety’ in that particular moment and save it for later. I see the same thing around me at home sometimes, when I want to talk but no one is actually interested in sitting down and having a heart to heart. The love is big. The love is really big, but something is missing inside all of us. It seems like we all are running away from real life and in an attempt to reach the happy cloud, we are just not being there for each other in times when we really do need to be there. The result is, people have to pay to therapists and get more depressed because therapists are not people who matter to us personally.
Is it not a part of being a human to be not so perfect and let each other, your parents, your friends, your colleagues, your every possible intimate connection know that wait, listen to this, can you listen? Can you feel this wave crashing at my sanity shore and making me feel like I need to rise and speak and speak but my own ears aren’t listening? Can you listen to it for me and prove to me we all are humans, we all are here to feel not just bravery but fears too. We all are here not to just win, but lose too. We all here not to just always appear strong but weak too? We wouldn’t be humans if we deny ourselves all the darker emotions along with the sparkly ones.
I do not know what am I going to do in the next moment, the next hour, or tomorrow. But I am telling myself in this moment, that I need to be myself. And to be myself, I have to tell myself that it is okay to feel all you are feeling and not try to be perfect. Do things right, respect all, be honest, and be kind. But not to just others, but also to yourself. So it is okay to not feel okay sometimes. Stand in this moment, do not be so still that you are considered a dead, do not move so fast that you are deemed as reckless. Just stand, look at your hands and pray, you were brought here for a reason.
I don’t think I have ever publicly admitted that I think I am depressed, or suffering through some anxiety. But that’s exactly my point: we hide the parts of us we ought to be revealing, to live authentic lives. We forget, blemishes are beautiful too. We forget.
I am going to publish my unpublished post next that was written in between May or June. My natural human anxiety made me play it down. I owe myself and my thoughts this honor to have them published without any judgement from my own inner critic.